It’s a daunting challenge to equip younger generations with the essential skills that are required to navigate this world when so much learning comes simply with experience and age. Living through seasons of floundering and even failing relationships are necessary occurrences to develop and grow into the person God created us to be, but because they are painful, we desire to buffer the sting when possible. One facet of living that is especially difficult to travel through, and is even more challenging to coach someone else through, is the arena of relationship management. Although there is no perfect formula for us to follow that is a guaranteed method to flourish with all the various relationships we will encounter in life, there is one person who never failed in his relationships and that is Jesus.

Scripture provides us with numerous bits of wisdom on how to love our neighbors; however, it is Jesus’ interaction with The Three, the Twelve, and the Others that offers the most poignant glimpse into a model of how God designed earthly relationships to be. When exploring the best components to function as a framework for how to create relational equity in personal or professional relationships and to serve as building blocks for a mentoring model, I repeatedly return to Jesus’ model. Whether it’s applying Tommy Spaulding’s Five Floors of Relationships or Henry Cloud’s Four Corners, the common theme is not only understanding the importance of relationships in our attempt to flourish, but to grasping the reality that the alignment of these relationships matters as well.

Explaining Jesus’ tiered model for relationships, Dharius Daniels describes relationship alignment in what I term Amigos, Associates, Assignments, and Advisors. With clear expectations and understanding of the various roles people play in our lives, Daniels shares, “If you’re serious about success and passionate about purpose, you must be intentional about putting people in your lives-the ones currently there and the ones to come-in the right places. I want to show you how to live with RQ-relational intelligence.” So, I offer we mirror Jesus’ model as our own.

“Jesus lived a perfect life. Therefore, he managed relationships perfectly. If there’s anyone we’re going to learn from in terms of the way to align our relationships, Jesus is an unparalleled and appropriate example. He modeled the management of a relationship circle very clearly with his disciples all throughout the Gospels. His demonstration can offer clarity regarding who goes where in our lives.” Through Jesus’ example we see that not all people belong in the inner circle, yet they serve a vital role when in the correct place. When enduring the long painful hours before his death on the cross, Jesus took only Peter, James, and John with him to the Garden of Gethsemane; doubting Thomas wasn’t included and neither were many other disciples who were among his followers. In that moment, Jesus needed to be surrounded by those who knew him best, even if they floundered in their duties by falling asleep! Their presence mattered.   

The inner circle, the fifth-floor relationships, the Three are the most trusted of all our relationships. “Jesus was showing us how to gain clarity in our relationships here. Whom do we take to our mountains and our gardens? We want relationships with people whose character reveals they are safe enough to handle us when we’re at our highest and when we’re at our lowest.” We must be discerning in who is allowed access to our truest self.

As we move out from that inner circle, we have the Twelve. Not to be sacrilegious, but this group is where I picture the posse. The relationships that will have your back and may have even served Face Down in the Arena with you, but there is a slight uncertainty about whether they will go into the garden with you. Continuing to move outward, we have the Others. Daniels offers, “Anyone who doesn’t fit into the categories of the Three or the Twelve (which in your life may be the Five and the Fifteen-the number is not set in stone, as it was in the case of Jesus) could be considered the others.” All of these relationships are crucial but serve in different capacities and possibly even in different seasons of our life. Grasping the importance of aligning relationships in our life where they are suited best may not be a teachable essential skill, but one that should at least be discussed with younger generations.

Using Jesus’ tiered model for relationship alignment, does an image form in your mind of those relationships in your life and what has been the best fit for people within your sphere of influence? What advice have you been provided that seems helpful in navigating relationships in your own life? Please share in the comments below.

References:

Daniels, D. (2020). Relational intelligence: The people skills you need for the life of purpose you want. Zondervan.