CSKLS (Christian Society for Kinesiology, Leisure, and Sport Studies) Colleague and Friend

May 3, 2021 – Journal Entry

I surrender: To an Unknown Future, and an Uneasy Present & Surgical Oncologist Report  

The CT scan showed that I have two masses on my liver and a lesion on a vertebrae. The Surgical Oncologist is especially concerned with a lesion on the vertebrae since if that continues to increase quickly it might potentially cause paralysis. I have an appointment scheduled with a Medical Oncologist on May 13th. The Surgical Oncologist felt the need for treatment should begin within the next day or two. Catherine and I are in Emergency now where they will admit us and begin assessing my situation. Likely to do an MRI, and begin radiation and immunotherapy treatments.  

Difficult news for us and for you. We will keep you updated.  

My fight with cancer, and living in a time of Covid taught me something significant. I have so little control over significant events in my life. These negative events easily lead me to despair. However, my response to these negative events is to keep choosing for life, abundant life. Abundant living takes worthwhile effort on my part. It does not just come naturally. I have found it important to keep my recent commitment to listening to music each day, renewing a push to be physically active, and taking time to feel the gentle pushes of God in my life. As I have said often before, today is a gift to be unwrapped well. As Rohr wrote: “If religion isn’t leading us into an eternal now, an eternal moment, an always-true moment, an always-love moment, then we have not lived the moment at all.” For me, the future is unknown, and the present is uneasy, but I pray that life may be good.  

Awaiting my recent CT scan and results, first reminded me of playing hide-and-seek when I was a child. When I was hiding and the IT was far away, I was pretty relaxed. When the IT got closer to my hiding place, my anxiety level increased. I needed to know when to stay hidden or when to run for home before the IT got there–I would mostly lose that run because ITs generally stayed as close to home as possible while finding the hidden players. Sometimes the IT would call me: “1, 2, 3, I see John,” and I might deny that she actually saw me.  

As I got closer to my CT scan I wondered if the body pains, keeping me awake at night, will reveal something on the CT scan. Perhaps these pains are just psychosomatic. As I got closer to the CT scan date, my anxiety level rose. I went from feeling anxious to feeling afraid. As I wrote to my children the other day, “recently I have thought more about what dying means for me. The one certain thing for me is that I am deeply in love with Mom, and each of you and your children, and I feel supported by your love as well.” When the Surgical Oncologist explained the CT scan results today, I could neither deny the scan or run for home. I needed to accept whatever the outcome and then try to move my health forward as much as possible.  

The other day I asked my colleague, in palliative care, what wisdom he might offer me. His advice was to learn to surrender. I remember when I went into the hospital in July after my collapse, it took what effort I could muster to slide out of bed onto a commode. It was the first time since I was a child, that someone else had to wipe my butt. The nurses were professional, and dealt with the matter efficiently. I had to surrender something personal I could not do. I remember being professionally and warmly held in a sitting position on the operation table as we waited for the anesthetic to take effect. I did not know if I would come out of the operation alive or dead. But I surrendered. The amazingly competent and caring hospital staff removed my cancerous kidney, and intravenously gave me five units of donated blood. I thankfully came out of surgery alive. Without surrendering I would not have received this life-giving surgery.  

One thing I will not surrender to is my defense against the invading cancer cells. We should not surrender to cancer, injustice, racism, or other diseases or actions that do not contribute to global flourishing. For the good things in life, it is helpful to keep surrendering with appreciation and thanks, living each moment, and keeping on surrendering. As I age, I know I will need to surrender more, till I receive a final blessing as my Dad did, and then surrender myself to passing on to a new life awaiting me. I am reminded that I am completely surrendered at birth and death.  

There is a Christian song, “All to Jesus, I surrender.” Robin Mark sings this song. It is a moving song to sing, but a challenging song to live. What does really surrendering my all to a good God look like?