“Don’t paint me into a corner!” I have friends, and even students, who have uttered some variation of this idiom (hope that’s the correct term for my English teachers) when the discussion of assessment tools arises. Whether the assessment is investigating personality, love languages, or career anchors, some people are opposed to being classified into a specific category; their preference is not to be painted into a corner or boxed in. Although in all my painting adventures, I have yet to actually paint myself into a corner (which is a miracle in and of itself), I have mopped a floor only to find myself trying to tip-toe across the wet surface to a dry area because I “painted myself into a corner.”

Acknowledging that many people are either not in a season of life with time on their hands to engage in philosophical pondering of the relationships in their lives or are resistant to investing hours in completing assessments, it is my opinion that developing a Habit of Awareness is critical to a flourishing life and at least some time should be devoted to understanding yourself and others. So, in this posting, I am asking that you do indeed “paint yourself into a corner;” that you paint yourself into what psychologist Henry Cloud calls a Corner Four Relationship.

Mirroring the insights of others shared on this blog with regards to developing relational equity in our lives, Cloud shares, “Ask any high performer about their best season in business or in life… or their worst season, and you will always find one thing to be true: there was another person or persons playing a pivotal part during that time. The neglected truth of performance is that to succeed and perform well, you must have the right kinds of relationships active along the way, and at the same time, you must avoid others.” Cloud continues to share “four possible corners of the world where you can find yourself in any relationship,” and these include corner one where you are alone and needs are going unmet; corner two where there is a connection with others but nothing is ever good enough; corner three where a real connection is made but still seems to be lacking in sustained nourishment; and then we arrive at a Corner Four Relationship.

A desire should exist to be painted into a Corner Four Relationship as this is “the place where we can be real about our needs for others, which overcomes the isolated efforts of Corner One. It is the place where we can be challenged to do better, like Corner Two, but in a way that is motivating and not diminishing. It is a place where feeling good happens as in Corner Three, but is based on real accomplishment, thriving [flourishing] and being connected from both our strengths and our weaknesses. It acknowledges failure and mistakes, unlike Corner Three, but is able to both metabolize those and use them for learning…And it has other ingredients as well, such as support, ownership, modeling, enhancing self-control and regulation, energizing challenge with feedback, and more.”

In Power of the Other, Cloud shares so many insightful observations about the corners of relationships, but the one that resonates the most with me is what he calls the Three Corners Roundabout. Because I detest the roundabout form of traffic management, I can relate to the imagery here of how often we become stuck in the first three corners of relationships and never move into corner four; the same way I get stuck in a roundabout because I don’t know what the GPS means when she says, “Take the second exit!” Luckily, if the streets are well-marked, I can follow the name and navigate my way out of the roundabout! (Just let me turn left!).

My deepest desire is for those around me to navigate out of the roundabout and into some deeply meaningful Corner Four Relationships. As Cloud opines, “Whether in sports, business, or the military, it is the power of the other that always makes the difference.” And although we need all types of relationships in our lives, it may be the Corner Four Relationships that have the most significant influence in the type of person we choose to be: floundering or flourishing.

In this blog I have offered many interesting perspectives on the importance of relationships in our lives. Which description resonates most with you? Please feel free to share in the comments below.

References:

Cloud, H. (2016). Power of the other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it. Harper Business.

Cloud, H. (2016, June 2). The 4 types of relationships that can make or break your career. Entrepreneur. Retrieved from https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/275019