One summer in college I landed an interesting job with an amazing group of people in the housing office on the naval base in Millington. Perhaps it’s because this position was my first job outside of childcare or retail, some of the experience remains in my memory banks. Perhaps it’s because this was the first time I was ever emphatically corrected for mistaking the branch of service for which a member served. Perhaps it’s because this was the moment when I embraced the newest technology with my earnings and purchased a CD player! (I can hear the oohs and aahs now, along with a question from my Gen Z students, “What’s a CD?”). Although the device would certainly be a great tool for playing all my mixed tapes, I had to purchase my first CD which happened to be a collection of greatest hits by the Judds.

Although it’s unclear why this particular memory decided to emerge this week, I suspect it had something to do with a connection between a song from that CD entitled Why Not Me? and the choice to read Nicki Koziarz’s book Why Her? this week after it had been sitting on my Kindle for over three years. Nevertheless, both the book and song had me facing some tough truths this week as I pondered my Struggle With Singleness, and how my attitude about this status must truly frustrate a God who loves me dearly and desires to see me live an abundant and flourishing life. I will share more of Koziarz’s book in Comparison Trap, but this posting will focus on the all-important question that all humans ask at some point in their life, even those who walk in faith—Why?

Why Her? Why Not Me? or whatever variation of this question best reflects your thoughts, I think it’s one most of us struggle with whether it’s in our own Tough Seasons, or one we are forced to watch someone we care about suffer through, a form of the Why? question usually emerges. And it’s not a question we freely admit we ask, but if you were to take a look in my personal journal and review my pleadings with God, you would tire of attempting to tally all the whys located inside. Koziarz expresses well why we hesitate to ask this taboo question, “We don’t even want to admit we ever ask it. We shouldn’t think such things. It’s not nice. But as we watch someone else living out what we desire most, and we don’t quite feel like we’re measuring up, we somehow can’t seem to stop ourselves. Why her? What am I doing wrong? What on earth is wrong with me? As soon as we ask these questions, guilt consumes us.”

The reality is that “This threat of comparison isn’t going away. I wish we could magically wake up tomorrow with an inner oomph that completely eliminates all our reasons for comparing,” shares Koziarz; however, she offers us six truths to embrace that will guide us through the Comparison Trap and the Why Not Me? moments. “Together we’ve embraced these truths: You need to be honest. See it like it really is. You don’t always have to be okay. Sometimes you didn’t do anything wrong. Her gain is not your loss. Let the success of others encourage, not discourage you.”

Admittedly, it’s difficult to write about or to share with others the deepest struggles that arise from the depths of our heart; we don’t want to compare our “chapter two with someone else’s chapter 12,” but in a culture that continually reminds us, whenever we open those apps on our smartphone, that someone else’s life appears to be thriving and flourishing, while we are over here floundering through a season of frustration, loneliness, or uncertainty, it’s difficult to not fall into the Comparison Trap and to not ask God, Why Not Me?

I have yet to reach a point in my seasoned life that I cease to fall into the trap of the Why Not Me? questions; however, I am learning to follow Scripture and wise advice, like that from Koziarz, “Strive towards what’s ahead, but learn to [flourish] in the season you’re currently in.” It’s not an obstacle easy to overcome, this desire to compare our life with others, but I am confident that these obstacles will allow us to create Habits of Growth and Resilience, it just may take a while. And based on the number of times this comparison challenge is arising in my reading and research, everyone struggles with it. You are not alone, and you have options to refocus your mindset which will allow you to successfully navigate through the obstacle and come out flourishing on the other side!

References:

Koziarz, N. (2018). Why her?: 6 truths we need to hear when measuring up leaves us falling apart. [Kindle version]. B&H Books.

Throckmorton, S., Howard, H. & Maher, B. (1984). Why Not Me? [Recorded by The Judds]. On Why Not Me? Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Demi Music Corp. D/B/A Lichelle Music Company.