It would certainly bolster my spirits to have a few empathic readers say that not only can they appreciate the struggle I’m about to reveal, but also share the angst that accompanies trying to reach the End of Me. Even writing that statement discloses just how challenging dying to self truly is. Offering even further evidence of this personal wrestling is that many notes and writings frequently contain references that draw me back again and again to both the Fenelon and Idleman books referenced below. The common Scripture passages these authors share bring some consolation that as long as humans inhabit this earth, even the wise and deeply devoted will grapple with this issue of self-love.

The paradox of navigating the journey to coming to the End of Me will include considering how often I think of myself, and even that self-focus contains a bit of selfishness. What I seem to be discovering is that an issue I desire to be rid of once and for all becomes a continual ongoing process. And once again it is so easy to allow the focus to shift to me and what I desire rather than bending my will to His. Do you see how simple it is to fall into a vicious cycle rather than embracing Idleman’s conclusion? “Reaching the End of Me is a daily journey I must make because it’s where Jesus shows up and my real life in him begins.”

So perhaps to reach the End of Me, I should compose a version of Idleman’s conversation: “Me, I’ve let you be in control and sit in the driver’s seat, but it’s clear you can’t be trusted. You keep insisting you know the way we should go, but it always seems to be a dead end. I’ve looked into some other options, and I have decided to begin a journey down a different path. It’s narrow and difficult and not many choose it, but it leads to real and [flourishing] life. However—and there is no easy way to say this—I can’t take this path if I bring
you along. So, Me, this is the end of you. Sincerely, Me.”

Feasibly one reason that it’s so challenging for me to arrive at the End of Me is because, at times, I place feelings over faith as shared in the post Bump the Tree. But again, that means that I’ve inverted the proper order. Fenelon offers, “You think everything is for you. You do not think first of the glory of God or you would not become depressed when your visible blessings vanish. The truth is, you are mostly concerned with yourself. Self-love is proud of its spiritual accomplishments. You must lose everything to find God for Himself alone.” The reality is that “You do not know what you want. You are moody…you are a mass of swirling emotions which change from moment to moment.” Therefore, if my prayers request to feel the presence of God, am I sincerely coming to the End of Me?

This conundrum truly puzzles me as evidenced by a question written in the margins of End of Me. Is it self-focus, even pride, to be blogging about the ways that the Lord is challenging me in my walk with Him? Again, when do I arrive at the End of Me and allow God to walk me down the narrow path? When do I relinquish this need to fully understand what He’s doing and just allow Him to take His proper place? Perhaps Fenelon has the best perspective, “All you have to do is to be quietly willing to see yourself as you are.” Does this not connect with the idea of cultivating a Habit of Attentiveness that ultimately leads to a flourishing and abundant life? Fenelon continues, “The minute you do, you will begin to change.”

Recognizing the necessity of a daily surrender to my own self-focus seems to be an excellent starting point to reaching the End of Me, but I’m a stubborn woman, and I’m afraid the Lord will be forced to remind me again and again of the importance of yielding to His will. But I refuse to lose heart because I have Holy Confidence that even as He walks me through the struggle, He will reveal Himself in far greater ways than I could ever imagine!

References:

Fenelon. (1992). The seeking heart. SeedSowers Publishing. (own) (January 2023) 

Idleman, K. (2015). The end of me: Where real life in the upside-down ways of Jesus Begins. David C. Cook. (own) (August 2022)