Recently, I was the beneficiary of several intriguing insights while engaging in a Walk and Talk with Makayla, one of which relates to how we both delight when an author uses a phrase that captures a concept we’ve been mulling over, especially when we have been struggling to articulate it in a specific way. Even if others have expressed the same idea, it takes a certain formulation of words for it to resonate clearly and deeply. Not long ago, a fresh experience of delight occurred while reading Behind Their Screens, as the authors share, “When adults start by Asking Over Assuming we can hear directly from teens about the Digital Dilemmas that are most relevant to their lives.” In a future post, I will connect the premise of their book with cultivating a Digital Philosophy, but first, I desire to dig into the phrase Asking Over Assuming since it conveys more precisely the principles of Appreciative Inquiry better than my first attempt at a post title of Asking Not Telling.

Weinstein and James are encouraging a practice between adults and teens in efforts to open dialogue about the complicated digital lives of Emerging Generations; however, in my opinion, the valuable advice applies to numerous other areas of daily living that we should consider, especially when attempting to cultivate a Hospitality Room, whether that occurs in our homes or classrooms. Consider their advice for critical conversation keys: “The first key is Asking Over Assuming…open-ended questions are especially generative…If we want real answers, we also learned that we have to set a warm and nonjudgmental tone from the beginning.” Would you not consider this wise advice when engaging in any conversation, not just one around digital technology, where you desire real answers?

Sally Clarkson mirrors this idea of Asking Over Assuming when offering her perspective of the precious gift that dinnertime conversation can be especially during parenting or other moments of spiritual formation. “Establishing the dinner table as a place of discussion fosters an environment where truth is sought through dialogue, graciousness is taught and upheld, and convictions are formed. Thought and will are two of the greatest gifts God has given us through His image in our hearts…He wants us to relate to Him out of love and conviction…By asking [our children’s] opinions about various topics, I sought to show them that their voices mattered, that they had the ability to think well, and that their convictions would shape the way they lived.” Rather than assuming she knew what her children were thinking, Clarkson took the time to ask, providing a safe environment to Wrestle with Thorny Topics.

Consider how Jesus modeled Asking Over Assuming when conversing with the disciples. Clarkson shares, “The disciples clearly felt free to ask Jesus deep, sometimes silly, even offensive questions. And Jesus asked His disciples what they thought as well—perhaps because He, too, knew that convictions so often come to us once we’ve articulated our ideas for the first time… Jesus set the model of dialogue with His disciples and showed us that there is no substitute for personal conviction.” How might we, as influencing adults, model genuine authenticity in efforts to understand what our children and students are thinking? How might we “sharpen each other’s thinking, [critique] each other’s ideas, [and] make each other better? To me, this demonstrates the principles behind the post Barn Raising and the words of Paul that we read in Colossians 4:6 “Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.” Clarkson offers,” Isn’t it interesting that with a limited amount of writing material and an urgency to communicate only the most important truths, Paul included the topic of good conversation in his letter? Perhaps it was because Paul understood the importance, the difficulty, and even sometimes the awkwardness of having important conversations about our faith, our convictions, our lives, and our differences.” Would some Courageous Conversations not benefit from an approach that honors Asking Over Assuming? Would this method not improve the Empathy Gap that many of us are currently experiencing?

When have you experienced a person effectively Ask and Not Assume? Would you consider sharing this moment with us in the comments below?

References:

Clarkson, S. (2017). The lifegiving table: Nurturing faith through feasting, one meal at a time. Tyndale House Publishers.

Weinstein, E. & James, C. (2022). Behind their screens: What teens are facing (and adults are missing). The MIT Press.