Have you ever been so engaged in a conversation with someone that when you became aware of the length of time that had lapsed, you were shocked that the hours had passed so quickly? The conversation appeared to have a steady rhythm of listening and sharing that just flowed naturally without much effort needed. Throughout this journey into what constitutes a flourishing life, I’ve been astounded at how often, especially when digging into the Habit of Awareness, the Lord brings to my attention the importance of recognizing the various types of conversations we participate in, and the long-reaching importance of crafting authentic listening skills.

Introducing the importance of listening in creating relational equity in the post A Listening Life,I offer here a connection between listening and the significance of engaging in Agendaless Conversations. Although calling any conversation agendaless is a misnomer, the terminology is appropriate if we view it through the lens of allowing someone to share without judgment or retribution. Whether the conversation is between family members, friends, or even a work colleague, it becomes agendaless in the sense that people “openly [exchange] their concerns, aspirations, and ideas” without fear and each “participant feels valued.”

Marta Brazos offers her definition of an Agendaless Conversation, “To be agenda-less in a conversation is to be more open to how the process unfolds than fixated on the desired outcomes. You can still have an intended goal for the conversation-e.g., closing a business deal or solving a problem. However, you don’t get so hung up on that goal that you become blind to what happens right in this moment.” Brazos reveals her three components to a meaningful, or Agendaless Conversation, which are conscious intention, mindfulness, and curiosity. She recommends that if you focus on just one aspect, the other two following organically.

Explaining that mindfulness and curiosity are like two sides of the same coin, Brazos states, “To be mindful often means to stay curious about what is unfolding…When you’re mindful, you naturally become more curious, and vice versa.” One of my stumbling blocks in embracing A Listening Life and becoming more mindful during conversations is to not constantly be thinking about what I desire to say next. This intentionality to listen is also important when considering the relevance of timing in an Agendaless Conversation. “Timing is knowing when it’s your turn to speak and listen. This is what makes a balanced conversation, where both parties have a chance to express themselves and be heard-but also, to hold space for each other.”

In considering how to foster Agendaless Conversations through mindful listening, I am reminded of the lessons learned from Adam Grant as shared in Givers and Takers and causes me to pose the question, “Are good listeners better givers?” If we look to the characteristics modeled by Adam Rifkin, we see demonstrated how to ask thoughtful questions and then listen “with remarkable patience.” The concept of timing blended with the sense of give and take in a conversation leads to a place of mutual understanding and the conversation flows easily. Embracing the giver mindset, we allow the other person to share more than us and experience what Mark Goulston describes as agendaless listening, “…nearly all people-no matter who they are or where they live-will respond to true, agenda-less listening in an authentic and heartfelt way.” Does that quote not define what the ultimate goal of creating relational equity is all about?

As we conclude this post, can you recall a time when you engaged in Agendaless Conversations and your life was enriched as a result? Please feel free to share in the comments below.

References:

Brazos, M. (2019, August 21). “How to have meaningful conversations.” https://medium.com/better-humans/how-to-have-more-meaingful-conversations-7b1f9120ff0d

Goulston, M. (2015). Just listen: Discover the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone. AMACOM.