Returning to the topic that was introduced in a January post entitled Gratitude Gap, I’ve been challenged once again to consider how klutzy I am when it comes to expressing gratitude. In a 2020 Thanksgiving message, pastor Andy Stanley reminds me of the impact that not withholding gratitude can have on the relationships in my life. “Being grateful for someone is an emotion we can all relate to, but gratitude is not just an attitude, it’s something that needs to be expressed.” Stanley prompts us to remember that the issue is not with feeling gratitude but in the expression of it. “When you withhold gratitude, you actually create a gap in the relationship, an unfilled space. There is unfinished business which creates a glitch in our relationships.”

What resonates deeply with me when I consider Unexpressed Gratitude is that at its core, there is an absence of something, which I hope to expound on in future posts like Missing Milestones and Power of Presence. This absence that is created with Unexpressed Gratitude is a difficult concept to articulate; however, Stanley explains it extremely well when he describes the awkwardness of pointing out an action not taken by someone. “There are few things more hurtful than ingratitude. There are few things more uncomfortable than pointing out someone’s ingratitude. It feels childish. To address it makes us feel small and insecure…Gratitude is a strange thing because it’s not really a thing. It’s a lack of a thing. Ingratitude is an absence of words, an absence of recognition of something we’ve done that deserves recognition.”

Over the years I admit to struggling when there is an absence of acknowledgement from others when I have invested my resources such as time or finances. There is a part of me that feels guilty when this absence stings because the motivation was not for the purpose of recognition, but for pouring out God’s love into others, but the human side of me admits to pouting a little when it occurs. Personally, a thank you note fills gaps in relationships the way no other small token of appreciation does; and it is for this reason that I attempt to model and teach the importance of a hand-written note to my students, especially when considering how important expressed gratitude is when developing relational equity in personal and professional relationships. I often pose this question to students as we discuss interviewing for jobs, “Who do you think the interviewer will remember more-the stand out resume or the candidate that sends a follow up note thanking the interviewer for an investment of their time?”

One idea that Stanley emphasizes in his message relates to this concept of being on the giving or receiving end of gratitude as one might experience in a job interview. “It looms large when we’re the victim, but it’s completely invisible to the perpetrator. When we create a gap with [Unexpressed Gratitude], it’s all the other person can see but we can’t see it at all. We’re clueless. The recipient is always aware, but the culprit is rarely aware.” Stanley continues that as a Jesus follower, “I’m required to be generous regardless of how people respond, but it’s easier to extend generosity to grateful people…Your ingratitude, which you might not even be aware of, is leaving a mark. It’s undermining your respectability and you don’t even know it.”

Providing an illustration for the Gratitude Gap between feeling and expression, Stanley discusses the importance of not just feeling a love for your children in your heart, but this love also needs to be represented on your calendar (more on this idea in Power of Presence). “The calendar is what counts, what connects, what communicates, it’s what you feel. The same goes for gratitude. It’s the expression of gratitude, not the emotion, that completes the circle, closes the gap, and maintains the connection.”

So, as we consider the moments when we have allowed Unexpressed Gratitude into our lives, Stanley encourages us to improve our response and express gratitude often. “Don’t let anyone out grateful you. Be the most grateful person in your loved ones’ life because our hearts gravitate toward recognition and gratitude.” Using the story of the ten lepers found in the gospel of Luke, Stanley challenges us to be the one rather than the nine. After being healed, only one leper returned to express his gratitude to Jesus. “He was not content to feel grateful, he demonstrated it. He expressed it. Jesus had just given him his life back.”

There are so many great lessons in this message beyond what I have shared here, and Stanley’s discussion questions are what I want to close out with: “Who is the most grateful person you know? What are some examples of how that person shows gratitude?” Please take time to share in the comments below. I relish hearing your stories.

Reference:

Stanley, A. (2020, November 22). “Give Thanks.” [Audio Podcast]. North Point Community Church. Retrieved from https://northpoint.org/messages/give-thanks