Completing a simple internet search for the phrase Comparison Trap results in over a quarter of a billion options, which to me speaks volumes regarding the prevalence of this issue. And the sad reality is that we are not currently facing an unprecedented (thank you, pandemic, for the overuse of this word) time of dealing with comparing ourselves to others, this concept has been with us since the beginning of time; however, I am concerned that perhaps today, more than ever, we are more vulnerable to the Comparison Trap because of the access we have to view what is occurring in the lives of people around us, both friends and strangers.

As shared in previous posts, all of us, as human beings, deal with some type of struggle, perhaps some insecurity about who we are, who God created us to be, or where we fit into the world around us. For me, the Struggle With Singleness, my insecurity of being unlovable, becomes magnified when I fall into the Comparison Trap of measuring the journey that God has for me with the path that others are on; and unfortunately the world of social media is a place where that insecurity is nourished and grows. In her book Why Her?, Nicki Koziarz shares her perspective on the issue of comparison, “’Why her?’ We don’t dare ask this question out loud. Even addressing it in our journals is a no-no…We don’t even want to admit we ever ask it. We shouldn’t think such things. It’s not nice. But as we watch someone else living out what we desire most, and we don’t quite feel like we’re measuring up, we somehow can’t seem to stop ourselves. Why her? What am I doing wrong? What on earth is wrong with me? As soon as we ask these questions, guilt consumes us…But as much as we try to escape the Comparison Trap, we just can’t.”

The Comparison Trap is an ugly threat that is not going away whether we are viewing posts on social media or not, but it is one of the reasons that I encourage all of us, but specifically, Emerging Adults to consider crafting a Digital Philosophy to establish boundaries regarding how we will allow these outlets of comparison to impact our health and well-being. Sharing her story about creating a mythical composite woman in her book Mythical Me, Richella Parham offers us a glimpse into how damaging comparison can be and how it prevents us from living a flourishing life. When she creates a composite woman with all the features she admires in a variety of women, Parham establishes a standard no one could possibly achieve. Parham writes, “The act of comparison takes our eyes off God and places them on ourselves and the people we’re comparing ourselves to. When we most need to see and understand the love of God, to begin ‘to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ’ (Ephesians 3:18), we look away from him. Just when keeping our eyes fixed on God would reveal his goodness and mercy, we focus elsewhere. And that lack of focus on God is devastating, because joy comes from God.”

Although I’m painting a discouraging picture of comparison because many people’s well-being is at risk, comparison is not always a negative concept. Parham shares, “Very often, comparison to an ideal is a helpful practice, not a harmful one. Helpful comparisons are those that place a normal or ideal condition on one side of the scale and real-life condition on the other side, hoping to achieve a balance…Comparison is also a valuable tool for description and communication…words of comparison can paint a vivid picture in our minds.” Just this week I was reminded twice how valuable comparison can be. The first instance came during a conversation with Dr. Luna, a colleague in pharmacy, as she shared her research with me on comparing cells and their reactions to various interventions. Perhaps her comparisons will lead to a cure for cancer! The second occurrence happened while viewing a show outlining a police investigation, it was revealed that the comparison of DNA, tool markings, and hand-writing assisted in solving a crime. Two great examples of where comparison becomes a blessing rather than a trap.

There may not be a one-size-fits-all approach to finding a healthy strategy for dealing with the Comparison Trap; however, my hope is that we might follow Parham’s advice and lead the way down this dangerous path: “For followers of Christ, then, the problem of comparison is much deeper than just the fact that it makes us unhappy. In continually comparing ourselves with others, wishing that we were like other people, we’re less able to be authentically ourselves, less able to relate to God and others, less able to do what needs to be done. This hurting world needs Christ-followers to do the hard work of knowing themselves [Habit of Awareness], then offering their authentic selves—each and every gloriously designed, uniquely gifted, specially formed one of us—in loving care and service to others.”

May we all be challenged to not fall into the Comparison Trap, but to find a better approach to live authentically in this world so that we may lead a flourishing and abundant life! If you have successful strategies for not falling into the trap, please consider sharing those in the comments below.

References:

Koziarz, N. (2018). Why her?: 6 truths we need to hear when measuring up leaves us falling apart. [Kindle version]. B&H Books.

Parham, R.J. (2019). Mythical me: Finding freedom from constant comparison. IVP Books.