In this current season of life, I am embracing the reality that I will always be on a journey of learning new things. This reality increases the probability that my insatiable curiosity will lead me into some sticky situations (Let’s just hope that I have at least nine lives so it doesn’t kill me!); but recently, I came across the phrase Holding Space. This combination of words tickled some part of my brain which initiated an investigation (surprise, surprise) into the meaning attached to these two simple words. Perhaps the fascination with the phrase is related to my identity as a word-nerd, but there are times when a particular word or phrase just communicates some greater depth and meaning than a mere combination of individual letters. And as I pondered the best method to encourage a colleague during a conversation about recent course evaluations and the wisest approach to sharing challenging content with students in an upcoming class, I found the phrase Holding Space to be intriguing and insightful.
Divya Robin, offering her definition of Holding Space from the perspective of psychotherapy, states it is “the ability to create a safe, supportive, and non-judgmental space where another can be fully emotionally, physically, and mentally vulnerable.” Author Heather Plett describes the concept as a willingness “to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we Hold Space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.” From personal experience, I would offer that Holding Space describes the powerful connection that is created when the people in my life choose to invest time and effort into building relational equity. Sometimes that investment comes from the attention of learning partners within my mentoring community (professional support), from quality time with members of my posse (personal support), or from intentional moments spent in Scripture and prayer (spiritual support).
As a follower of Christ, my mind imagines Jesus’ interacting with others and being the model of “someone who has the capacity to Hold Space for whatever it is you’re working through without getting triggered and crazy and handsy with your life,” Leanna Tankersley in Begin Again. In my opinion, I see Jesus Holding Space with empathy and patience, He knew how to Take It Slow and embrace A Listening Life. He demonstrated IQ, EQ and HQ (and another quotient you decide to create), unlike Job’s friends in the Old Testament. “In Job 2, Job’s friends are compelled to sympathize and comfort him. They began by Holding Space…Job’s friends even listened as Job began to express his anguish. However, they could not contain themselves any longer. In my opinion, his friends became uncomfortable. One by one, each friend rebuked Job and pointed out that he must have sinned in some way to be in this situation. Why do we feel we have to say something when we become uncomfortable Holding Space? shares Byron Myers on the topic of Holding Space.
Myer’s continues to outline several pitfalls that describe how we respond when it begins to feel uncomfortable Holding Space such as giving unsolicited advice, asking questions in rapid succession, and feeling the pressure to say something. What if in these precious moments, we avoid the pitfalls and choose instead to shift our perspective and Hold Space successfully by modeling our behavior after Jesus rather than Job’s friends? Rather than attempting to fix a problem, what if we follow Myers’ advice to allow God’s sovereignty to remind us that He is ever-present and all-knowing? Or choosing to be silent rather than speaking out of insecurity? Or how about Humbly Listening and just loving others even when we disagree? Engaging in these practices just might move me from Emotional Adolescence into Emotional Adulthood!
Holding Space, for me, will definitely require a tempering of my natural instinct to ask a lot of questions, or to at least recognize that not all questions have easy answers—perhaps following Jesus’ model of asking “What do you want?” would serve a higher purpose. He was a Wonderful Counselor after all! Being challenged to live a flourishing life seems so simple; however, it will never be easy! When engaging in our next conversation, perhaps we can be mindful of whether this person is truly asking for our advice or just needing us to Hold Space—focusing on their needs is a great way to Reclaim Conversation while allowing another person to be seen and loved.
Have you had an experience with someone gifted at Holding Space? Please consider sharing in the comments below.
References:
Estrada, J. (2021, October 3). What “Holding Space” for someone means and how to do it. Well and Good, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.wellandgood.com/holding-space/
Myers, B. (2017, August 31). Holding space. The Crucible Project. Retrieved from https://thecrucibleproject.org/holding-space/
Plett, H. (2021). What is means to hold space for someone. Uplift Foundation. Retrieved from https://uplift.love/what-it-means-to-hold-space-for-someone/
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This idea of “holding space” is one that I need to continually remind myself. Although I talk a lot, I would consider myself a listener. Outside of my extroverted introvert moments, I am extremely reserved and tend to keep things to myself. However, I have personally witnessed the damage of keeping too much in to where it hurts you, so I try to make myself available as a listening ear to others – to be that trustworthy friend that I needed during my time of loneliness. While this is healthy and follows the Lord’s command to love our neighbor, we also must be careful in how we balance listening to other’s and internalizing their problems in addition to our own. The concept of “holding space” reminds us to stay emotionally stable and not to get swept into the drama or concerns of those who share with us. In order for us to represent Christ the best we can, we must be at a place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to listen. If not, we fall into the temptation of twisting the Truth, judging others, and falling ourselves. Listening is a gift, but we must know how to listen before we do.
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