Absolutely Not! Perhaps I’m the only person who dares utter these words in my conversations with God, but it does indeed happen. And it’s not as if my refusal is related to Him asking me to sell all my worldly goods, resign from my vocation, and move to some distant non-English-speaking country. There’s only this ever-so-slight nudge, not a life-altering decision that He’s prompting. Would I be willing to share my heart? To reach down and offer an insight into the deep recesses of my soul? Absolutely Not! That’s too personal, God. I realize there are only a few followers who will read this post; but, you know, it is still public. Absolutely Not!
Since beginning this blog two years ago, that has been my stance on the subject of my sometimes struggle with singleness. Oh, I’ll share a little bit of my heart, but I’m Absolutely Not going to address the issue of Silent Grief in detail. That’s asking me to be too vulnerable—even my Tuesday People don’t hear me discuss this issue. It’s saved for the private pages of my journal where ink becomes smeared by tears of loneliness. Absolutely Not, Lord! This is a personal struggle that only You can help me work through. Only You can move me to a place of contentment, so why should I open myself up to share a challenge that few can relate to?
And Yet…He continues to nudge. In fact, He’s fairly relentless. Just these past few weeks, four different sources related to the Struggle With Singleness have been placed in front of me. And the tipping point came after reading a post from Michael Gehrling, who seems to agree with my perspective on this heart issue. I’ll confidently share his words for he articulates well the ideas that are a challenge for me to voice. “The sadness that we singles experience is difficult because we often feel alone in it. The source of our sadness is rarely something public and noticeable. It’s more like a nagging pain that we grow used to and learn to live with. Eventually, though, we notice the pain, and its effects become real. But even then, it seems real only to us, while the rest of the world seems to carry on without noticing.”
Personally, the struggle with Silent Grief seems to arise in what Mylee Bankston calls “smack-in-the-face moments…[Events that] occasionally can bring up the sad reality that we do not have a special person to do life with…No matter how hard we try to ignore the inner voice telling us what we do not have, it can be hard to hide the sadness we feel.” Thankfully, these moments often come and go in the blink of an eye due to numerous precious reminders of how blessed and loved I am, but the guilt of even having these brief moments of sadness means I feel the need to remain silent when the pain arises. Bankston continues, “The best way to describe these moments to people who do not comprehend why this season could be so hard is with one word…’grief.’ I grieve that I did not meet my husband in college, get married young, and have my first kid by the age of twenty-five…I grieve my plans, hopes, and dreams in life did not go as anticipated. My prayers were not answered how I hoped, and as a result, my heart hurts.”
Should any person, made in God’s image, feel guilty for experiencing Silent Grief over life not unfolding like you planned? Absolutely Not! Is there only One who can satisfy the longings of our heart. Absolutely Yes! But that doesn’t mean that we won’t experience the emotions of grief that are usually associated with the loss of a loved one—but it is a loss that must be felt, experienced, and worked through. Will I give in to Fickle Feelings and wallow in self-pity for extended periods of time. Absolutely Not! I’m confident that God has every single moment of my life in His hands. He has already written the script that I am to follow, and I refuse to Steal the Pen. I just might occasionally engage in a little tug-of-war.
We all have moments when life fails to surrender to what we think we want. How do you handle those moments of Silent Grief? Please consider sharing in the comments below.
References:
Gehrling, M. (2014, November 13). A quiet suffering and a gift: Reflections on singleness. [Blog post]. The Well. Retrieved from https://thewell.intervarsity.org/reflections/quiet-suffering-and-gift-reflections-singleness
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Hello Professor Powell,
I too struggle with silent grief and ask myself “Why is no one noticing?” I get aggravated sometimes to see life go on when I am stuck in a grief hole. It’s like walking on a street and you step in a puddle and get your shoes wet and everyone else gets to walk with their shoes dry because they didn’t have that puddle. I have had to accept the fact that everyone has their own silent grieves. At the time, it’s hard to say it because it’s also hard to see, but perhaps they’re just better at hiding it. That’s the thing with the world today, we’ve all become better at hiding emotions. Why is that? Why do we hide emotions when emotions are what brings everyone together? It could be the fear of feeling like you’re the only one with emotions, embarrassment of feeling too much, etc. I have grown to say in situations that become overwhelmingly emotional, “I’m going to let God fix this.” Now, it’s not a situation where I use a dish and say Mom will get it later. It’s more a situation where I will let God fix my emotion. God knows my plan, and he always finds a way to help overcome grief.
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